Okay, people. I’m just going to lay it out here.
This is the ninth post I’ve started since the last one I published. Ninth. I kid you not.
I’ve had a really horrible month of insomnia, depression and anxiety. Basically a repeat of the hormonal wonkiness I wrote about previously, except a hell of a lot worse. (I guess I should just learn to expect that reasonable changes to my meds lead to an unreasonable and unexpected amount of turmoil.)
Not a lot of work got done this last month – my energy went first to client sessions, and if there wasn’t anything left, well, tough turds, nothing else got done.
I spent a lot of time wallowing in despair, and questioning whether I can pull off this business of starting a business at all.
I even went on my first ever self-imposed internet sabbatical last week. I was hoping it would kick the writer’s block, but four of the nine posts were started during or after the sabbatical. Although, I suppose, technically, if I publish #9, I might have to give the sabbatical some of the credit for that.
Either way, it appears that I can’t write posts as though everything is fine if everything isn’t fine.
I peeked in at the Twitter Bar on Saturday and the lovely Catherine Caine was handing out random compliments. I was feeling pretty blue so I asked for one. Here’s what she said about me:
Hey everyone, @victoriashmoria is super-duper smart and compassionate and a provider of delightful clarity.
Isn’t that awesome?
Besides making me shed a tear or seven, it made me realize that I have been doing a really lame job of giving myself credit and cutting myself slack. Not that that’s new for me, but there’s nothing like a big fat reminder to renew my resolve at shifting the patterns.
So, this is me, reminding myself of some things I need to remember. Maybe they’re things you need to remember, too.
Cut me some slack, Jack!
We can only base our decisions on the information we have at the time.
We had a certain amount of money in the bank when I decided to quit my job. And I had a certain number of clients. The time felt right to quit and focus on my business. I couldn’t predict that I’d wind up having a few very bad months with low productivity, so why do I beat myself up for quitting when I did?
Shit happens, and you just do the best you can with it.
I’ve got some fucked up (subconscious) stories about what causes what (with some warped Law of Attraction bullshit thrown in for good measure). It’s really easy for me, on top of the actual issue I’m dealing with, to blame myself for whatever is happening. Especially physical and emotional stuff.
Not even slightly helpful.
Capacity changes, needs change, health changes, energy levels change. And in response, you shift deadlines and priorities. And meet your needs the best you can.
We don’t control the outcome, so we’d damn well better learn how to enjoy the journey.
Enjoying the journey doesn’t come easily for perfectionists. I am all about the outcome, and if the outcome doesn’t suit me, get ready for a tantrum.
But, I’m trying to shift that pattern. Maybe our financial situation will allow me to continue focusing on my biz full-time until it supports us, maybe it won’t.
Easier said than done, but I really want to enjoy what I’m doing now, without worrying about what may or may not happen later.
And now, I’m going to remind myself of some of the things I’m good at. And some of the things I’m proud of myself for.
I was there for my clients despite all that’s going on.
I did my best to listen better to my body and give it what it needed.
I managed to get a birthday card and a Father’s Day card to my dad on time.
probablygoing to publish this post even though I don’t love it and I’m afraid I sound like a grouchy, whiney baby. Or like I’m full of myself.
I was aware of my energy levels enough to shift priorities based on the quality of energy I had available.
Which meant I still managed to finish turning my Shmorian Thing-Finding class into the Shmorian Thing-Finding Kit.
I did a good job of staying present through this shitty month and only numbed out occasionally.
I am awesome at asking questions that help my Right People untangle their tangly stucknesses.
I notice patterns and pick up on clues that lead to plenty of A-ha moments, for me and my clients.
I made two of my past dreams come true: I taught scuba diving in the Caribbean and had a 10-year career in IT (yes, I quit both of those things, but originally they were dreams of mine). Surely I can make this one happen, too.
I’m a superstar at helping people feel safe and supported as they work through an issue.
I’m really good at breaking down complex ideas and processes into simple, digestible pieces.
I haven’t given up, and I still know I made the right decision to quit my job.
I know I need to get better at giving myself credit for my accomplishments and appreciating my successes. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. So let’s do some horn-tooting together, okay?
What can you toot about in the comments? Or what’s something you can cut yourself slack on?
List as few or as many as you’d like. And even if you don’t want to do it here (in public), for the love of the gods, do it privately! We all could use a little more self-appreciation.