Shouldn’t This Be Easier?

Last week, I decided to offer a class.

Since then, I’ve had insomnia worse than I’ve had in many months.

There are lots of causes of insomnia, and I’ve experienced many of them, but it was easy to think I’ve been worrying about the class – even though I haven’t been consciously obsessing about it as I lay in the dark.

So what is it, then? My thyroid prescription is too high? Some sort of hormonal wonkiness? Allergies? Dehydration?

Nearly ten years ago, one of the first “coachy” books I read was by Martha Beck. In it she talked about her health problems and how it was after she started following her North Star that she began to feel better. I could totally relate, because I’d struggled with lots of health concerns off and on (but mostly on) my whole life, and I knew I was still trying to figure out what part of the sky my North Star was in, let alone follow it.

Yet, ever since I got serious about my business a few years ago, my health problems have gotten worse. Not life-threatening stuff, exactly, but the kind that can make it difficult to function consistently much above survival mode. The kind that can make it easy to believe I don’t even want to have a business and that helping people isn’t as important as lying down and not moving for at least a few months.

Depression
Insomnia
Anxiety
Fatigue
Never-ending cycle weirdness
Joint pain and muscle spasms

And it’s puzzling. Are the health problems caused (or exacerbated) by trying to do something I don’t actually want? (I thought for sure my health would improve after I left my corporate job and was putting more of my energy into my Thing.)

Or were they made worse by trying to do something my soul wants but the scared parts of myself don’t want?

Or would I be dealing with this illness crap either way, and it just happens to make it harder to grow my business? (When depression is a factor, creative energies are so very hard to tap into.)

And the health stuff is there on top of the usual impostor syndrome and nerves and stress that comes with putting yourself out there under the best of circumstances.

A couple of years ago, I would have been convinced that feeling this much anxiety and angst around creating stuff for my business was a sure sign I was on the wrong track. That I was trying to force myself into doing something not fully in alignment with who I am and what I want.

But.

I’ve been around this mountain before.

After I graduated from coach training I got so stuck I was sure this couldn’t be the right path for me. (Turns out that was just a big ball of fear gumming up the works.)

Then last year I wound up in a deep Dark Night of the Soul and had no choice but to step back and stop trying to push. (Yes, I was sick and needed lots of time to heal and replenish, but even after giving myself full permission to walk away from my business, I know it’s still what I want.)

There is a lot of stuff out there that would say I must be doing it wrong. That if I were doing it right, it would be easier. And it would feel good most of the time.

But now I don’t think it’s remotely that simple.

When I’m not trying to get THERE, and I can connect to my soul and the depths of what I want to create and the ways I want to serve – the ways I want to transform this world – it always brings me back to the same place: Here.

I don’t know why for some the right path is easier than the wrong one.

I wish it would work that way for me, but so far, it hasn’t.

Creating and putting myself out there (while hoping my health won’t take a dive) is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s gotten a bit easier, but not by much.

Yet I can’t NOT do it.

And always, when I do it, if I can look past the fact that I wanted a bigger turnout or more ease in the process, I hear that what I’m sharing is helping people in big, deep, transformative ways.

So I’m practicing finding ways to stay consistent and create more despite how I feel. Ways to keep going even when I’d rather binge watch Prime Suspect or when I’m sure I can’t handle another experience of (possibly) offering something that isn’t met with wild excitement and acceptance.

And sometimes it’s hard to know when feeling like crap is a sign I should rest and when it’s just plain old resistance.

Here’s what I want you to know

If you sometimes question whether you’re on the right path because it’s so much harder than you expected to go after your dream, you are absolutely not alone.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong just because it’s not easy.

Don’t buy into the lie that there’s something wrong with you just because you struggle rather than float through life with ease 24/7. (And remember that the Facebook and Instagram versions of other people’s lives and businesses are not painting a true picture of the reality. Guaranteed.)

Consider the possibility that the obstacles you’re facing in order to start or grow your business are simply showing you areas that need development, rather than signs that you’re incapable or heading in the wrong direction.

Trust that you know what you want enough to choose to keep trying. Even if you have to let it go for a while, it will be there waiting for you when you’re ready to start down the path again.

{Note: The class I referenced at the beginning of the post? Not quite ready, yet. But if you enter your email here, you’ll hear about it as soon as it’s available, right in your inbox.}

7 thoughts on “Shouldn’t This Be Easier?

  1. Pauline

    So, so very much yes!

    “Consider the possibility that the obstacles you’re facing in order to start or grow your business are simply showing you areas that need development, rather than signs that you’re incapable or heading in the wrong direction.”

    Staying true and knowing it’s true despite everything…so much yes

  2. Casey

    Sometimes I think that the trust is the hardest part. When I’m struggling to make ends meet, while having health issues, and trying to put myself out there in a positive light is so damn hard. To just relax into a space where I can trust that I’m on the right path – oof. Thank you for posting this. It helps. (There’s also this post by Elizabeth over here: http://www.elizabethhalt.com/2013/08/you-are-doing-a-darn-good-job-at-being-alive/ that is pretty awesome).
    Much love,
    -case

  3. Victoria Post author

    Pauline – So much yes and so, so hard sometimes!

    Casey – Oh my gosh – trusting really is the hardest part. It’s one thing to believe we can trust on an intellectual level, but a whole ‘nother thing to relax into it when there’s so much oof happening.

  4. Jessica

    Thank you for sharing this, Victoria! I agree, sometimes the way others talk about being on their path sounds like it’s all rainbows and kittens all the time, and that can make it feel like I must be doing it wrong. For me, something that I’ve noticed is that when I wasn’t on the right path, I was kinda sleep walking through life in a lot of ways, and so looking back I wonder if I had some of the same health things (which have actually gotten much better, finally, in the last two years) but I was just so numb to everything that I didn’t notice as much. I know that as I’ve walked my path, things haven’t always gotten better, but they have changed and the good parts feel much more satisfying.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience of this! I hope you’re well.

  5. Victoria Post author

    Jessica – You know, you’re absolutely right. Part of feeling as though my health got worse after finding my Thing is probably because I was sleepwalking, too. I ignored stuff because I had to just to survive. Then when I was able to let my guard down…BAM! At the same time, I totally agree that even with the parts of my life that aren’t easier, life is more fulfilling overall, by a lot.

  6. Sheila Bergquist

    I love this and can relate so well. Yes, trust is the hardest thing. I suffer most of the same health issues all the time and wonder if I’ll ever get to a place of ease. I’m so glad though that people like you don’t give up because what you have to offer is truly valuable and needs to be out there.

  7. Victoria Post author

    Sheila – Oh yes, trusting can be so very hard. Lately I’ve been playing with the idea that even *wanting* to trust counts just as much as actually trusting. It takes some of the pressure off for me, and makes the times when I am not feeling very trust-ish seem like less of a “problem.” Thank you for letting me know the post resonated with you.

Comments are closed.