Saturday Bird #1

Havi has her Friday Chicken, so I thought I would do something similar of my own.

But on Saturdays. And with a more cynical name.

Because now that I’m back to work, my ass is so kicked I can’t seem to write anything during the week.

And I thought that maybe I would actually be able to write something if there was some structure. Kind of like filling in the blanks.

And after a week like this one, all I want to do is flip this week the Bird and hope for something better next time around.

Maybe it’s just first-week-back-blues, and next week I’ll feel like my normal self, but right now I’m not convinced.

On with the show. (Warning: There’s more bad than good this week.)

The Ugly

Did I mention it was my first week back at work?

It was so much harder than I thought it would be.

Ever since I’ve been back, I feel almost like a different person. Like that person who started the blog during vacation and was all excited to write on a regular basis? Nowhere to be found.

And the very hardest part is that it feels as though I can’t ask for certain things that would help me, because I feel like those changes amount to not wanting to play by “the rules.”

It’s as though I crawl into a shell when I’m there. And I haven’t learned how to crawl back out when I get home.

In-the-shell is also not so compatible with posting to a blog. Or tweeting or commenting.

So I’m just trying to observe the patterns there. And be okay with the not wanting to do the things that I actually really, really want to do.

Also trying not to beat myself up for not being more grateful for all the good in my life.

I’m having limited success with all of that. Now that it’s Saturday, it’s getting a little better.

Noticed a really unpleasant pattern in myself.

I think of myself as someone who empathizes with others easily. Sometimes, too easily.

This week, though, I was presented with a situation where I was not empathizing with my husband at all.

I had an idea about something, which I presented with the best of intentions. But it turned out to be really hurtful and isolating for him to hear.

So I sat with my idea and his hurt, and worked on seeing it from his perspective. And then I went and asked for his forgiveness for my lack of understanding.

The Bad

My body is unhappy.

I’ve mentioned my back problems before, and those are ongoing. Makes it hard to be at the computer both at work and after work. Getting better, slowly, but some days it’s pretty uncomfortable.

I’m also dealing something else that may force me to change the way I eat. Which is a frustrating possibility. I already eat healthy food, but there are foods that I like and make my life easier (and generally more fun) that I may have to cut out, for at least a while. I’m still in denial about this.

I’m feeling time-crunched as it is, the last thing I want to do is to have to do more shopping and cooking and jumping through food hoops.

This has been a long week of arguing with reality. Working on it, but it’s hard.

The Good

Kitchen Table!

I’m really looking forward to meeting and working with an amazing group of people. You can probably find me in the Destuckification forum.

(Although, I must confess that with the way I’ve been feeling this week, I could have listed that in a not-so-Good column. Because, you know, STUCK and I’m a CRABAPPLE McNASTY! And I have some resistance to the idea of making this work while, you know, working.)

It’s the weekend.

A chance to decompress a little. Whew.

My husband is amazing and patient.

He handles my Crabapple-ness with so much kindness and understanding. As hard as this week was, it was much better with his help.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that next Saturday’s Bird will be heavier on the Good, and not so much Bad and Ugly. (Apologies to Sergio Leone.)