Time for another at-irregular-intervals update on what’s been happening since I quit my job.
My last update was technically last year. Feels weird to say that. What’s even weirder is that we’re fast approaching the end of the first month of 2010.
And it’s been almost three months since I quit. Weird.
There was knitting that happened regularly for a while, but I haven’t picked it up in at least a week.
Time management stuff
There was a span of about a week where I was doing actual pomodoros. With a timer and everything. I even got away from the computer for my breaks.
It was pretty amazing and I felt incredibly productive.
But I haven’t done a real pomodoro in at least a week now.
It appears that pomodoros only work for me (or I’ll only submit to doing them) if I have certain kinds of work to do. And very little stuckness about said work.
Good information to have, but I’m not sure what it all means or what to do about it, yet.
Somebody get me a midwife
I’ve been working and working and working on my new course.
I’m super excited about it, but I’m also exhausted. And frustrated. And tired of thinking about it and looking at it and massaging it.
I want to get this thing out into the world where it belongs.
Oh the horror
(Said while channeling my inner Marlon Brando.)
How to have your stuff come up in one easy step: Take a stand and claim that you can help someone in a particular way.
Enter the voices:
This will never work.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Everyone will hate you.
And don’t get me started on the needing of hand-holding and wanting people to tell me what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
It’s as though I go into shut-down mode and can’t think for myself at all.
Picture a three year-old in desparate need of a nap:
But what do I doooo neeeext?
How much should I chaaaaaarge?
How do I make sure the right people sign uuuuuup?
Why isn’t anyone asking for my Thing even though they don’t know what it iiiiiiiiiiiis?
Also, cue the Waiting.
I know my stuff is trying to protect me. And I know that this sense of desperately needing answers is really about wanting safety.
Maybe soon I’ll write more about the whole safety thing. But right now, I just want to kick my stuff in the nuts.
Putting it all together
Once I was oscillating between making great progress on my course and getting completely stuck and anxious about it, I got really bad with the self-care.
Not going outside. Staying at the computer for waaaay too many hours per day. Not allowing myself time to relax or even go for a hike.
My back had been feeling great, and now my right hip is very unhappy.
I pushed it all aside because I would get to a certain point on my course page and think, “This is so close to finished, if I push a little longer, I can send this information out today.”
But then I’d hit another layer of stuckness about it, and I’d try to push through then and there, or the next day.
The answer seems obvious: Don’t give up the self-care when you’re creating something new.
But believing (even mistakenly) that I’m so close to finishing makes it hard to just stop.
I want to do this right (where “right” means giving the course the best possible chance of success), but I’m also feeling like I just want to get it done, consequences be damned.
The cost of creation
Perhaps the most interesting part of this course-creation process is that I feel really drained much of the time.
It’s as though this is the first time I’m really tapping into (and using up) my creative energy. Apparently I don’t have good ways to replenish the supply, either.
And this creates its own sense of frustration, because I have less energy for hanging out on Twitter and commenting on blogs that I love.
It signals growth, I suppose, but it still makes me a little sad.
Ack, another downer update
Yes, it’s been challenging and often infuriating. But also really fascinating. I’m about to embark on all this new stuff, like a group class, and next week I’ll hold my first ever free call.
Things are moving rapidly in between the bouts of stuck, which is pretty cool.
Has the reality of this change set in, yet?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “fully aware of this new reality,” I’d have to give the last couple weeks a 5 (slight uptick from last time).
Starting a huge project really let me feel like I am a business owner. Making something happen rather than waiting for something to happen.
This is the most excited and in control I’ve felt since my self-employment began.
I linked to it above, but I’ll mention it again. My free call about the No-Brainer Scenario decision-making tool is next week on Tuesday 1/26 at 12pm Pacific. You can read the announcement and sign up here, or you can just sign up to get the call in info and recording here.
Looking forward to hanging out with bunches of you!