On Saying What I Want to Say

I spent many, many years in environments where it was only safe to express a need or opinion when it was in agreement with those around me.

Naturally that led to ignoring and hiding what I wanted and needed. And eventually I forgot what those wants and needs were. I no longer knew what I liked to do, what felt fun to me, what my dreams were. Any dreams I had were chosen based on what someone else thought was a good idea.

My life was built around pleasing others. I worked a job that would be considered “worthy,” I listened to music that they would approve of, and kept very quiet about any interests I had that might fall outside of what they would be comfortable with.

It’s been a long (and ongoing) process of re-learning who I am. The pattern still shows up a lot more often than I would like. The most obvious symptom is that I tend to stay quiet and talk myself out of saying what I want to say. And doing what I want to do. It’s easy to convince myself that it doesn’t need saying. Or it will be too hard to do and not worth the effort.

Growing up, it was never okay to be “wrong,” so I try to avoid making mistakes via inaction and silence.

I’m seriously sick of that shit.

My work with clients lately has been about helping them get clear on what they want and need, and be willing to speak up about it.

And in my Soul Conversations, something I hear over and over is that our souls want to help us fulfill our desires. In other words, the things our hearts want? They’re not random. Nor are they wastes of time.

Our desires are actually the things we’re meant to pursue.

Yet I find myself holding back from telling you about these things. Because I was met with indifference or even disdain in the past, it’s what I expect to be met with now.

But we don’t get to control others’ responses to our choices, so trying to live our lives as though we do is pretty fucking pointless. Yes, I might be met with criticism and rejection but I’m tired of shrinking away from doing and saying what’s important to me just because it’s scary.

The scariness will always be there, especially if I’m pushing myself to live at my edges. If we’re operating from the seat of our deepest truths, not everyone will approve. I’m trying to remember that I’d rather experience someone’s disapproval than to hide from the life I really want to live.

And besides all that, if I keep hearing the same messages from multiple souls about the necessity of pursuing one’s desires, don’t those messages apply to me, too?

I don’t know where this will lead me, but I know I’m tired of hamstringing myself by waiting for a guarantee of safety. Risking rejection is just the price of admission. A frequently uncomfortable price, for sure, but the older I get the more I’m willing to pay it. It’s about fucking time.

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