I was at Havi’s Sacramento workshop last Friday.
One of the things I learned was that I know more about who my Right People are than I thought.
A big realization was that the people I work best with have made a choice – the same choice I made a few years ago.
Time for a story…
Ten-ish years ago, I had managed to break into a real IT job as a self-taught database designer. I had been working toward that goal for a couple years at that point. So there I was “living the dream.”
It took less than a year before I was utterly miserable.
When I wasn’t at work, I was dreading going to work. When I was at work, every time I received an email or heard my phone ring, my stomach would drop like I was on a horrific amusement park ride.
One thing you’ll learn about me is that I’m not good at hiding my feelings. At. All.
My marriage was suffering because I was coming home pissed off every night. My attitude at the office was appalling. How I didn’t get disciplined, I don’t know, because every new assignment that came in led to eye-rolling and pushing back because it would be a pain in the ass for me.
It would be a pain in the ass for me to, you know, do my job.
A pattern emerges
After who knows how long that went on, I began to realize it was a pattern.
When I looked back at my time in the Caribbean, the same thing had happened – I wound up feeling utter dread and resentment toward doing my job.
Except back then, I didn’t know about patterns, so my noticing was more like, “Hey, that misery is kind of like this misery.” I didn’t have any tools to interact with the pattern to understand what I was needing.
If you’re wondering what this story has to do with choices, I’m about to tell you.
When I look back at the seven-ish years it took me to go from miserable worker bee to full-time entrepreneur, I realize it all started with one choice.
I chose to believe I had the power to change things.
And even when I felt as though things would never actually change, I wanted to believe they would.
That one choice started me on the road to where I am now, albeit with some detours along the way.
For most of my life it never occurred to me that I was the only one responsible for it. I operated as though I was waiting for something. So I guess in a strange way I’m grateful for the misery, because it helped me get to a point where I was desperate enough to do something about it.
Making big changes in your life takes lots of work.
Not just work but hard work.
So hard that sometimes I’ve wanted to take the blue pill and go back to blissful ignorance. Except that my ignorance was hardly blissful.
It’s perfectly reasonable to doubt you can create what you want. And just to be clear, I am not talking about creating in the Law of Attraction sense. (Ew!) I’m talking about making shit happen through hard work that only you can do for yourself.
If you didn’t have moments of doubt and disbelief, I would worry that you were a Stepford Spouse or something.
But if somewhere inside yourself you can hold on to the belief that you can figure out what your Thing is and launch it into the world (or even if you can only hang on to the desire to believe), the rest can be learned.
Once you’ve made that choice, it’s about getting the support you need. And about being open to learning new ways to help yourself. And about engaging with your stuff compassionately.